IMANI'S "HOW TO" MOMENT: MUNDANE IMPERFECTIONS

“No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they're pretty, even if they aren't”~ Marilyn Monroe

The other day I took a long look at myself, standing timidly with my hands nervously cuffed in front of me. Naked like a jay bird, I stared hard at my reflection. My hair was uncombed. I wore no lashes or makeup. The boobs God gave me haven’t behaved to gravity since my twenties. Sir Issac Newton’s discovery is winning the battle, I thought. I jiggled a bit, hoping the old spring to these girls could perk up. Uh, no! They proved the reality of turning forty is indeed in four months.


Then my eyes pondered to my hips. I could say those crunches and lunges are working. I turned around to glance at my robust ass. Like my boobs, I jiggled it. Solid, I smiled. And yet, I had to find a negative—my thighs. My finger strolled to the dimples between my legs. I thought moving the fat could satisfy my self-doubt. The more I wasted time with the craziness, the more I got depressed. “I guess losing near seventy pounds wasn’t enough” I said out loud with heavy sigh, “I have to find the mundane imperfections.”


I quickly shook my head to wring out the echoed negativity. Feeling like that scared little girl who got teased in school, I wanted to hide beneath my protective shield of bitterness and fear. It soothed a hurt soul; my Vaseline against the world’s bullshit. The glaze shield protected me, comforted me, and kept my eyes dry from tears. And yet at the same, I became lonelier and bitter.


You might be wondering, where’s the coming from? I have so much going for me; such as, the release of my first Novella (Faith Anthology), running the marathon in May, setting my charity, and as I said earlier, losing seventy pounds. I should be outdoors turning cartwheels, shouting in his HOLY name for giving me the strength to complete these goals. But, I’m human. I bleed, cry, and have insecurities.


My Imani’s “How to” Moment”? Insecurities are a part of the human psyche. Some of the most beautiful PEOPLE in the world lack of self-confidence; some of the most prolific Authors suffer am-I-good-enough-syndrome, and even the most powerful leaders in the world are transparent with their anxieties, it shows in their politics. How do they go on? It’s simple, they have to.


The world is not going to stop because we feel bad about ourselves. Blue skies will remain blue, the sun will continue to shine, and day will always turn into night. In other words, as the world moves on, we have to move along with it. If I constantly let my inner demons whisper its negativity, I will never get anything done.


Meanwhile, as I remained coyly in front of that mirror, a spark of reality dove back into my consciousness. Stupid me, let someone’s words get under my skin. I shook my head with a slight giggle, and returned back to my life. Mani, don’t have time for the dumb shit, and neither should you!


Words can be a powerful force; don’t let them take your precious sanity!

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IMANI'S "HOW TO" MOMENT: PERSEVERING THROUGH THE STORMS

By Imani Wisdom


His whiskey scent nearly burned my eyes as I felt his cold hands against a place that was sacred to me. I was 10-years-old and scared. The strength inside of me had waned into shattered pieces because I feared this nearly 6’0 tall brute. I didn’t know what he was doing was an act of love or if I had done something wrong and that was his way of punishing me or being overdeveloped at that age had perversely attracted him. All I know was I sitting on my mother’s couch while I listened to his disgusting moans.

While he was in his selfish mood, I was thinking of ways of distracting him without hurting my Uncle’s feelings (Yes, I was actually worried of his feeling then). Every time he slipped his hand one way, I scooted away from him. When he moved his hands to my breast, I scooted further away. He boldly took my hand placed it on his jeans to feel the embossed silhouette of his nasty dick! I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I wanted to shout for my mother who happened to been in her bedroom asleep because Multiple Sclerosis has got the best of her, but fear had taken my voice. I felt like one of my characters from my first unpublished novel, Ruthie, when she said that being pinned between the wall and her abusive husband was her open door to Hell. That’s how I felt at ten. I was trapped between the corner of the couch and my uncle’s brawny strength. Not only I felt that I have walked in the fires of Hell, but I felt as though I was swimming knee deep in it.

Then suddenly, a glimmer of courage had sparked in me. I finally found my God-given voice and told him to stop.

“Shhhhhhhh” he replied.

“Please!” I begged him.

Despite my pleas, he kept going. He didn’t care how much I whimpered, moved, or refused to look him in the eye; he wanted to satisfy his perverted pleasure. To hell what a 10-year-old innocent child feels. It was all about him and only him!

Well, this blog is dedicated to survivors of physical and sexual abuse. Thirty years ago back on that warm summer day, he made it about him. Now it’s our turn. If you’re walking and breathing and still able to shed your beautiful smile, you already started your journey of redemption. It’s about you, the Kings and Queens of your own destiny.

It took me a quarter of a century to realize my promiscuity, anger, rebellion, and co-dependent behavior, all stemmed from that moment. I had other encounters; especially getting gang-raped which that sealed my hatred of men for years. Nevertheless, I took that inward pain into words. I had no choice. It was either, wallow in my pity or share my experience with others. And writing this blog(s) is easier and healthier than hating every man in the world. Speaking of the fellas…..

Men—and especially African American men—were brought up to believe that men touching boys in a lustful way are considered gay. On the contrary, perverts don’t discriminate. Pedophiles do it for power and to make their victims powerless and inferior. No one should’ve had to keep that pain inside of them. By moving on, you already defeated that lingering demon. Perhaps the next step is to share your past and help other young men overcome their demons. As long as they see your courage, they’ll believe its hope for them after all.

How did I overcome from my shattered past? My writing, prayed, therapy, wrote some more, prayed some more, shared my experience with other because what I went through wasn’t unique, and of course—writing until I discovered it was my passion. Maybe I should thank my uncle for that?.....Nah!!!!

To the ones who were hurt by someone but never told anyone—it’s your decision whether you want to share your past. I’m writing this blog for hope. The word itself is powerful! No one can stomp on your hope; it’s a part of you. It’s something God gave us at last minute along with adrenaline, both are necessities for survival. Yet, hope keeps going after tumultuous storms; it’s our rainbow from a shadowy past, and the sun beyond ominous clouds. It’s always there.

Therefore, my advice to you: write out your feelings. Think of it as your own personal note to yourself. Don’t worry about grammar or spelling. What matters is you’re making the first attempt to free yourself from his/ or her bondage. Remember—is about you, not them.

And that’s my Imani’s How to Moment—persevering through any storm even if it’s monsoon of physical and sexual abuse. Their acts shouldn’t define you or me. I allowed his act to define as a woman and used what he did to me as an excuse to screw any guy I met. I had to wake up. I was treading close of catching a series of sexual transmitted diseases, including HIV. I’m worth more than just a feel-good moment.

As for my uncle, he’s no longer in this world. But wherever he’s at, I hope he knows that he didn’t win—I’m still standing!

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WHAT DEFINES YOU?

Our self worth…….It’s that main ingredient that makes us strong and a better person. Without it, self-pity can tame our true selves. One question to ponder…..Why do we as humans allow our pain to define us?

Now that I am passionately walking away the pounds, I came to realization after years of feeling sorry for myself; I’ve seriously messed up my inner ME! From self-doubt to self-pity, I went opposite of everything I worked hard to attain; such as, my goals, accomplishing all of the weight I’d lost a few years ago, and most of all, worked hard to love ME again.

I killed all of that after I allowed my depression to get the best of me. For months after I gained back a few pounds, I didn’t look at myself in the mirror. I can’t tell you how long I pretended to be a timid vampire? What I can tell you however; I walked pretty damn fast pass any mirror for a long, long, long time! I feared to see a reflection of a hopeless failure staring back at me; fear to accept the reality, the truth of letting things go I can’t control. When I nibbled, it became my crack cocaine. Grubbing away the pain and stress I woke everyday as a mother, daughter, and caregiver. I wanted to eat every last morsel as if I was eating that pain away to oblivion. Of course, like any euphoric substance, it’s temporary. Although that junk comforted me, once it dissolved back to reality, I was steadily gaining the weight!



We can smoke, drink, or eat our pain away, but guess what? That same pain will still be there. If the pain involves a past love, guess what? He or She has moved on, and you, permitted them to have all of the power! If the pain involves a job you lost, guess what? You are smart to learn a new skill and move on to new things. Our three pound, squishy brain is a unique organ. It can feel, restore, and attain a serious boat load of knowledge. We can do anything if we all put our squishy brains to it.

As for giving someone else your POWER, we all experience it before. It don’t have to be a person whom you’ve been romantically tied, it could be a co-worker, your boss, a neighbor, a family member, or an idiotic bully from school. Once they see they’ve got to us, they won. They took what we cherish the most….our POWER! And for me, I’ve been there, done that. Whether I want to admit or not, I felt like shit!



Now this blog isn’t LADIES ONLY! I’ve known fellas who went through Hell and back with bullsh** that went on in their lives; including with a significant other. I have to admit, when my ex went through HELLLLLLLLLL with his now ex-girlfriend, I thought as laugh,“Haaaaaa!!!! Karma is bitch, isn’t it?”  Then years went by, I noticed his unnecessary weight loss became skin and bones; how is character changed from jubilance to despair, and how everything he worked hard suddenly evaporated. I’m sure the mistakes he made in our relationship, he learned from them and tried to move on. I know this because for years, he tried to love someone who couldn’t or wouldn’t love him back like he deserved. I know the feeling.

The point on this blog is BITTERNESS, ANGER, and PITY won’t get us anywhere but more pain and heartache. We’re better than that! We are KINGS and QUEENS of our destiny; the Authors of our own story, and the Painters of our canvasses. Our squishy brains and our fist-size hearts bear our souls that at time can lead to crazy emotions. We can fight it, we can do it, and we can be it!.....So, as I asked earlier, are you going to allow your pain to define you?.....Think about that!

Now, this paragraph is for my 35 and up year old crowd…..Have you thought of that one particular thing you always wanted to do? Did anyone put that cigarette down at least for one day? Did anyone take their fat butts out to walk or jog? Did anyone call their local college to acquire a new skill? Like Ben Stein from Ferris Bueller Day Off…..Anyone?.....Anyone?......I’m pushing this not only for my benefit, but for my nearly-middle aged brothers and sisters! Yes, you!!!!.......Tomorrow is not promised (for any age). We already surrendered tremendous sacrifices for our loved one, now it’s your turn. Whether it’s facing most of our worst nightmare, CLEANING OUR CREDIT {{you know who you are}} or leave that no-good for nothing person who treat you like God didn’t meant for you to be treated…..Time is an unkind enemy that don’t give a damn about our feelings, fight the biological clock and achieve your dreams!


Seriously, anyone?

Okay…..I’m done rambling. It’s time to return back to my “Heaven Bound Series”. I’m writing some parts of two and the last chapter of three. {{Sigh}}} The road acquiring any kind of dreams isn’t easy. Still, if you read my last blog on Facebook, I said this:



It seems now I’m running after the Popsicle Man’s truck to get that “Unique” ice cream bar. Yet, this ice cream bar is everything I always wanted to do……



I’m working on ME, and I did get a sample of that “Unique” ice cream bar. But I want more! I want to try every last flavor on that fast moving truck. And once I reach to my favorite flavor “PINK STRAWBERRY”, I know I did it! {{{Ahem…..I had to pull some metaphor out of the air to end this blog….lol….




Stay blessed,



Imani

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KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, SISTA! - {*Unique*}'s MySpace Blog |

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP, SISTA! - {*Unique*}'s MySpace Blog

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IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL

When I wake up every morning and see you by my side, I realize….with a tear in my eye….that I’m blessed. Not blessed because God created a unique being just for me, but blessed that you’ve given me a reason to wake to a new morning with a simple smile; nothing less.

Simplicity is what I like. You don’t have to try hard to prove anything to me. Your touches gently sway in me your arms, feeling the warmth of your skin and the beating of your heart is enough for me to exhale gratitude of pleasure.

I feel as though I’m in the arms of an Angel. Your love takes me beyond places only I can dream. Flying high among a cloudless fantasy; soothingly kissing me as if you were afraid to break me. But that’s okay. Your ways is another reason why I fell in love with you each and every God-given day.

My love for you isn’t anything I have felt before. Its goes well above an overwhelming feeling in the midst of my soul. Or those imaginary butterflies that swims inside and curl my toes. It’s when you’re not around, I feel my breath wants to cease because I can’t get you out of my mind. Your image, your sweetness, your aura…..Baby, you’re everything rolled into a pristine one. I’m your vividly blue sky and you’re my radiant sun.

I’m not material nor will I ever be such a strong woman that showing a little vulnerability will be going out of my norm. I want to share a softer side of “me”, but loving you dearly in my arms. I’m tired of being just a strong black woman; I want to be “a” woman who will always walk by her man’s side. Never walk ahead or lag behind.

These words are more than poetry; they’re my beautiful suffering I feel inside. Writing this….my emotions are suddenly painted before my eyes. You’re my Picasso painting; an artistic expression with glee. I mean what I say that I am truly blessed to wake beside, a beautiful Angel, next to me.

I hopelessly, deeply, love you, baby!

© Tamara “Imani” Wisdom

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SHORT AND SWEET MOMENT FOR LENA

By her simple smile, under a STORMY WEATHER, she brought joy to so many. She asked us to BELIEVE IN OURSELVES when she continue to believe there was hope for society. She could sang with muppets and still never lost her jazzy step. And yet, this southern princess was more than a pretty face. She was a legend and quietly commanded her legacy in its place.

Yes, she's gone and flying high with the old Hollywood's best. Can you image the jamz session high above the clouds? Next time when you hear the thunder rocking the sky....You'll know why....It's the bass thumping sweet as Miss Horne scatting to a jazzy beat. Keep on Ms. Lady, your music, movies, and of course your smile will forever live on....

Now sleep, Ms.Horne your on back to her Heavenly home...

~Imani

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WEIGHING THE POSSIBILTIES

There are many overweight people who are healthy and agile. Some can be 40, 50, or 60 pounds overweight with perfect blood pressure (120/80), low cholesterol, and free of diabetes. For me, seven years ago was physically a dark time. Being petite at 52, my weight reached my lifetime maximum nearly 250lbs. There were times that I walked in agony because of the weight overpowering my feet. Also, my heart used to beat so rapidly, there were moments I thought it would halt. Although I faced these life threatening challenges daily, I did nothing to improve my health. I just continued to not eat right and did little exercise. One day, my laziness and ignorance caught up with me, and nearly took my life.

In 1997, on a warm summer night, I began to experience a tingling sensation in my right arm. At first, I thought it could have been poor circulation, but through the night the tingling had turned into numbness. It had spread to my right leg and my right face. Whats going on with me, I asked myself Im only twenty-seven. Im too young to die. Obviously I was facing a situation that I knew it could be fatal. Instead of listening to my conscious to telephone for help, I tried to treat myself by administering ibuprofen. Ill take a little nap, I said, I should feel better when I wake up. So I waddled over to the couch and hoped for a better outcome.

Two hours later, I woke up to discover that I couldnt see out of my right eye. As soon as I stood up, I began to have an excruciating headache. I clearly remember grabbing the side of my head, then suddenly falling to the floor. As I laid there next to the cool floor vent, my oldest son, with compassion in his eyes, asked Mommy, are you okay? I wanted to answer, yet my mind couldnt transfer my words to my mouth. Then suddenly, I pointed to the phone. Phone! I slurred. My son quickly grabbed the phone and handed to me. As my vision nearly diminished I struggled to call my sister. Within twenty minutes, my sister, her fianc, and my father found me lying helplessly on the floor between the T.V. and the floor vent. The only thing I remembered before they took me to the hospital was my father carrying me to the car, and my children saying I love you, Mommy before my sister walked them five houses to my Grandmothers.

Minutes later, we arrived at the Emergency room. I was resting on my fathers shoulder in the waiting area, when out of the blue, a nasally male triage nurse called me to take my vitals. As I sat down, hed asked me question after question, as he took my blood pressure. At that moment, everything and everyone became a big blur. However the only thing I remember was the anesthetic smell, and the cold stethoscope inside my elbow. When the result of my blood pressure came on the monitor, I saw a grave concern on this nurses face. Are you having any numbness? hed asked. I shrugged my left shoulder, and peeped at the reading. It read: 200/118. The next thing I knew, I was wheeled immediately to the triage bed units. The details of this experience are very sketchy after I saw the Emergency room doctors. I can remember taking several tests which includes a CAT scan that did show that I had calcium deposit on my brain.

This particular experience had a tremendous impact on my life. Up until recently, I never learned what happened to me on that terrifying night. It was a mini stroke after all. Shortly after that night, I began to change my diet along with a daily walking plan. I admit changing bad habits isnt easy, but if its pertaining to your life physically and emotionally, its worth it. After two years of faithfully keeping this new commitment, I lost 110 lbs, dropped from a size 26 to a 12, and gained an abundance of self-esteem. I have kept this weight off for five years. Furthermore, going through this life altering experience, not only led me to change my physique, but showed me I could do anything I desire.

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