Imani's "How to" Moment: You're a Writer Dammit, Just Write!

Have you ever sat in front your computer, trying to figure what you’re going to write, but all you have in front of you is the dreaded blinking cursor?

Its six o’clock in the morning on a Friday, and my intentions for getting up this early is either two things: workout and writing—which the first one I’ve done successfully.

Since I’m facing with a case of writer’s block, I thought back earlier in the week when I was asked how do I solve a dry writing spell. I simply told these couple of people to freewrite, freewrite, and freewrite some more.

Since my ideas are dried up like a desert wind, I’m taking my chances to write anything that comes to mind. If my mind goes blank—I would type blank, blank, blank until an idea has sparked—and at this point, it has.

Perhaps this post should be titled, freewriting for all of you aspiring writers and/or authors. Everyone suffers from writer’s block…I mean everyone! It’s a normal part of being a writer. You want to convey your thoughts and your imagination onto paper but it goes blank immediately when type or write the first letter. Then it comes…but wait a minute…there it goes. You get frustrated as you stare at the annoying black slit they call a cursor—reminding you that your dry spell exist. Your mind tells you to relax and do other things like check your Facebook or Twitter pages—which are huge time wasters. And yes, I’m guilty of that too.

So now I’m typing for the Hell of it. Allowing my fingers to tap against keyboard as the rhythmic thud puts in me in a trance. It’s a beautiful sound, isn’t it? Once you feel the groove, then you start to feel productive. The smile comes back and all of your ideas begin to pour like a waterfall. And there after your frustration—and not to mention you started to feel a bit depressed—you’ve did it. Your freewriting had turned into a post. And maybe this particular post wasn’t much of a post—but nevertheless, I feel effin’ great!

My Imani’s “How to” Moment: When you feel as though as you’re stuck in the mud put your thought process into second gear and shift your mind in another direction. I’ve stayed up the night before brainstorming on what to write for this post and nothing, of course. Let this blog be an example for you writers out there. Freewrite your ideas without stopping or pressing the backspace button—let every word pour through your fingers. Imperfections will be perfected once the final draft has been finalized.

So stop stressin’, it’s all a part of being a writer.

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IMANI'S "HOW TO" MOMENT: Twenty-Six Chances

If you don’t first succeed then you try again. That old cliché’ still makes sense to this date. If you fail, get up and devise a plan B, C, D, and so on...

Untimely Revelation was considered my plan C. It went on life support—and then revived again last spring and now it's back to its final resting place—my hard drive. Look, being a new author in this finicky market is tough. You take the time to write from your heart; develop characterization and a storyline into your crafted masterpiece, and then you gain confidence in your work and fall in love with your stories, but reality hit you and realized they may not be ready for the public.

And that’s why two out of the five stories are going to market as individual short stories—The Shattered Mogul and Zion’s Road. This was something I’ve should’ve done from the beginning. Instead, I thought at the time creating a short story collection would be beneficial for myself as well as the readers. What better way of putting a theme of love, faith, and forgiveness in one novella. It's being done all the time, so why not do it?

The problem with the other three stories—actually two, because I have plans for the story, Seven Months—they lacked a special kind of oomph. The characters were strong, but the plot wasn’t.

So this summer my blog will have an exclusive with these two stories as features of the month—Daniella’s Story and The Mission. I’ll post the synopsis at a later date. What I can tell you these stories have a common thread of inspiration and hope. And of course, my unpredictable literary brand is shown through these narratives. What they are? You will soon find out.

My Imani’s “How-to” Moment—any attempt you take toward your dream and it don’t fall through is not considered as failure. There are twenty-six letters in the alphabet. Go through each one as a plan of action by taking the necessary improvements to perfect your craft. Take a different route than you previously hadn’t thought of taking. All in all, it’s your dream, do all you can do to protect it. 

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IMANI'S "HOW TO" MOMENT: "HE'S" WORKING ME!

Fifteen years is a long time to be in solitude. It’s not that I had, or having trouble finding the “right one”, it’s that I’m focused on taking care of “me”.

You must be asking yourself, why I chose to be single all of that time. Several reasons—for one, I’ve been a caregiver during that time. And I felt bringing someone in my life would put a burden on them they couldn’t handle. Besides, I had nothing to offer for the relationship. I had no substantive income, bad credit, no goals, and writing was not on my mind.

The love and the sacrifices for my mother, aunt, grandparents, and my kids was enough. They became my life. I forgot at that point what it was like to do anything for myself, like go out to dinner with girlfriends; enjoying a relaxing day at the salon; shopping at the mall; spending quiet moments alone, or opening my heart for a specific person. All of those small things taken for granted, I lived without for years.

And let me back track deeper in the past.  Before returning home to care for my mom, I’ve been in a thirteen year relationship with my children’s father. We met in high school, so therefore, we never dated. It went from friends to sex to kids. Then he went back and forth between another chick and I. Before we both knew, I had the three kids with him, and he had his eight.

Now I’m not making him to be a bad guy because what I’ve done after our breakup was just as bad.

I developed a mentality while I enjoyed my carefree (and I put “carefree” mildly) single days after my ex and I went our separate ways, hurt them before they hurt me. Yeah, I have to admit it was stone cold. Yet anyone who been hurt tries to beat the “hurt” before it gets them again. This just doesn’t apply to the ladies, but to the fellas as well.

And ladies, we scream how “strong” we are. We boast it on Facebook or tweet about it on Twitter, “I don’t need a man to be happy”. Before all of that existed, I used to boast, bragged, and stuck my head up high telling the world of how strong of a woman I was. Myself, and many women out here, misconstrued the phrase. When we’re actually saying, ‘I’ve created a wall because of the bullshit of my past’. It’s the wall I created to keep good men from coming in.

Later, I was finding my so-called tough exterior was a lie by jumping to every beckon and call for these men—even the two a.m. booty calls. Then one day, I took a hard look at myself and wondered out loud, ‘what am I doing…I don’t think this is God’s intention to live a self-destructive lifestyle’. So I stopped the madness. I stopped accepting their text messages, phone calls, and the two a.m. booty calls. And the rest is history…

So here I am at this point in my life. I am small business owner of a publishing company, Wickedly Sweet Ink, LLC, and weeks from becoming an official a published author. I am a one woman machine performing my own public relations, accounting, and any other jobs a Chief Executive Officer has to perform. Life is going good, and I’ve never been happier…seriously!

My Imani's "How to" Moment...getting your happy on doesn't mean building walls to protect your feeling. It means to love yourself, finding your purpose of life, or stepping out of your comfort zone to pursue a dream you always wanted to accomplish. And being alone isn’t a bad thing. What inspired me to write this post was from T.D. Jakes’s powerful sermon. He preached—and I’m paraphrasing—God put you in a situation for a reason. Sometimes He wants that loneliness for you for your personal development. In other words, He’s working you when you think He has forsaken you.

All of those years as a caregiver, I thought I was being punished by HIM—and really all along He’s been preparing me for this point in my life.

I could have easily kept holding on to bitterness, or throwing my fists up to God complaining of silly things, or staying in a comfort zone by putting others before me. Then again, life isn’t supposed to be easy, now is it? 

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IMANI'S "HOW TO" MOMENT: YOU GOTTA HAVE FAITH!

You should know by now that I'm trying to prevail from obscurity to a level of greatness.  And when I mean "greatness", I don't mean rich beyond any means.  "Greatness" is knowing fact that when you create something; whether it's an artistic expression such as writing or painting, having the ability to speak in front of others, or spending time with someone who feels hope doesn't exist, and made that person think, feel, or carry your words permanently inside their heart, to me that's greatness.

Two years ago, I had no idea if I was going to live past 40.  Why?  I was so filled with so much emotional pain, I couldn't answer that question to this date.  And yet, what I can say now is I had to "flip my own script".  It was either wallowing in my pity, and wait for death to knock on my door, or regain my dignity and enjoy the ride going into my 40's and thereafter.  What's more, even though I feel the devil do exist and can make our lives a living a hell (no pun intended), I refuse to keep blaming the devil on my life's screw-ups.  The devil made me eat a whole bag of "Cheetos"...The devil made me NOT get up in the mornings and walk...The devil caused me to be not strong enough...not loving myself...not believing in myself...not realizing that I am more than just someone's caregiver.  And because I was inundated with my responsibilities, the devil made loose my identity of who I am. (SMH)

Let me say this....the devil is a liar, even if it takes for the beast to implant the seed of doubt, it's allowing the DOUBT to escalade into a domino effect of darkness and constant bad choices, and that's exactly what he wants. With that said, I'm not giving him credit on anything.  To prevail on my general purpose, I've stop speaking of it and stop listening to the doubting voice in my mind so I can pursue what I intend to do! As I go on through this part of my journey, I will have the occasional negative thoughts, or look back in the past and heavily sigh of the shoulda, coulda, or woulda.  And yet since I've been literally been on skid row, I've learned so much about myself, and became stronger and wiser.

I have a mission. I will keep moving, keep believing, keep fighting, keep writing, keep believing, keep running, keep writing, keep creating, keep loving, keep believing, and oh, did I say keep writing?  I'm basically riding on "FAITH" (Imani) to get my goals and dreams. As one of my FB friend's posted on my wall, "I'm International now"......I'm holding my Aussie friend's words true because I'm may be an unknown author for now, but wait and see, with name "Imani Wisdom" is hard not to take notice.

Have a blessed day 

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IMANI'S "HOW TO" MOMENT: I'M NOT JUST SURVIVING, BUT THRIVING!

I lay helpless, piercing my eyes to the basement ceiling wondering how I allow myself to get here to this point.  The nighttime remains in a cool stillness through a small window. Among his heavy breathing are background inaudible male voices. The darkness drapes their bodies.  Only a strong scent of cigarette smoke strangles my airwaves.  My mind says to leave, but my body is numb with fear.  After all, I’m the one insist on being a part of this party. 

Inside of my teenage mind, I thought I needed to be a part of a crowd.  You know, to be liked.  When I came to that party I lived on weed and alcohol.  Then the next I knew, I was in the basement lying numb and confused on a mattress.

The intention was to hang out with a male friend of whom I like a lot. His charm and good looks mesmerize a fast attraction.  Plus, he was one of the popular kids at school.  And it didn’t hurt he was one of the best players on the basketball team.

Though, the memories of that night of that stranger’s heavy breathing had left me nauseous.  This person was moving inside of me without an ounce of my enjoyment.  I turned my head back at the window, wondering how I could be so stupid by listening to my friend.  Staring through the glass at the long leafless branches on a nearby tree I asked myself, “Why me”. 

Then in the corner of my eye, someone struck a lighter of an orange-bluish flame.  My obscure vision saw the shadowy count.  It had to been at least four of them, and the fifth one was trapping me between his large body and the bed like he was the head conductor on their train. 

I had suddenly developed courage from every part of my body to scream the word “no”.  It didn’t stop him.  Actually, he breathlessly laughed as if the word no was dark humor.  The other pieces to his train, along with the caboose (my friend) chuckled as well. 

Needless to say the rest is history…

It’s another Imani’s “How to” Moment”, and rather a personal one.  At that time, I thought everything from the time I set foot inside of the head conductor’s house, to the last perverted satisfaction by the caboose; I thought all of it was my fault. 

I even said no. I mean, I said a loud resounding get-the-f**k-off-from-me-no.  Still in the end, I sat on the rough and lumpy mattress in tears.  That night changed me.  Forget being haunted by the constant reminders of drafty basements, alcoholic scents, and egotistical laughter. It was the smaller things from that night that had ingrained in my mind to this date. 

Among the other things from my past, I didn’t realize the gravity of that night until I got older; when relationships were difficult to keep; when I confused sex as a form of love; when I lived a destructive lifestyle; when food was my way out; when I couldn’t see past the darkness; when hope was a lost cause, when bitterness infused of who I was, and when my trust for men didn’t exist.

How did I overcome it?

Well, overcoming sexual abuse is powerful.  A person just cannot get over it, we have to move on.  The emotional scars will always be there, its learning how to cope with those scars is what matter. 

So my Imani’s “How to” Moment is gear toward the survivors (men or women) of all forms of abuse.  Hopefully, you sought counseling and you’re moving from the bondage.  Les not forget the ones who still lives with the open wounds of their abuse. Some chooses not to seek help at all.  Perhaps shame has got the best of them, especially men (and yes, there are more men who had their innocence shattered according to what the national statistics says.  It’s underreported due to shame and guilt).

We need to be the voice for the voiceless.  If you suspect a child is being abused, please contact your local authorities.  The cycle of self-destruction needs to stop.  Survivors of abuse tend to become abusers to others, or themselves with addictive personalities. I’m living witness to it. Food was my addiction.

As for the guys from that night, I don’t know where most of them are.  I could care less.  What I have done is to forgive them.  Yes, you read right—I’ve forgiving them.  It’s not for their benefit, but for mine. I had to move on. Otherwise, I’ll remain in their emotional bondage forever, and I don’t think we were meant to live in anyone’s bondage. Do you?

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IMANI'S "HOW TO" MOMENT: Pursuing What's Yours!

"When you feel in your gut what you are and then dynamically pursue it - don't back down and don't give up - then you're going to mystify a lot of folks."
— Bob Dylan

Those are the immortal words of the great Bob Dylan.  As I recalled, he received scathing reviews on his vocals when he began his music career.  Did that stop him?  Obviously it had not. He kept pursuing his dream.  Now, he’s a living legend. 

This 70-year-old, known to many as a storyteller, is perfect for this Imani’s “How to” Moment.   Of course, I can relate since I’ll always consider myself a storyteller.  Regardless when my book gets release in this winter, I’ll put author second on my literary resume.

Why? 

I’ll explain in a moment, but first let me clarify why I posted the quote.

I’m sure many of you who are reading this are striving toward a dream.  Whether you’re a writer, author, musician, actor, or just want to be a better person, it takes commitment and patience.  An overnight success is a rarity.  In reality, you’re going to have to put on your boxing gloves and fight your way to your dream—punching the garbage of negativity with a Tyson right hook. 

I’m not just referring to your naysayers or haters because really, those are the same individuals who envy you for even going for it.  I’m saying the biggest obstacle for anyone pursuing their aspirations is overcoming their self-doubts. 

Listening to our so-call haters is one thing, but we don’t need to subconsciously have their words embed into our psyche. If you and I do, we might as well stop pursuing whatever we’re trying to do.  If they can get to you that easy, what do you think a critic will do when they tear your work or performance in pieces?  

I’m sure your favorite vocal artist, actor, or author, went through several bouts of fighting through the bullshit to get to where they are now. 

My Imani’s “How to” Moment, be a duck and let folks negativity roll from your back.  I had to learn over the weekend that some people can’t or won’t understand what I’m doing is another job.  I may not see a profit, but it’s a committed routine same as clocking into a nine to five profession.  I work on my manuscript, write and edit for my blog, and promote myself all in the name of a dream.

Writing is something I love to do.  When write I feel like ecstasy.  I feel as though as the pen is my sword and with it, I can overcome anything.  That same freedom when I do write helps bring to life amazing stories.  Having the title, Author is a privilege, but telling a great story is truly a gift.  So hence, I’m a storyteller.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

In conclusion, other people’s negativity should be your motivator.  Don’t try to prove them wrong, just use your gifts to achieve greatness.  Who knows, your motivation could inspire them to conquer their own fears to achieve their dreams. They’ll thank you later.

"You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you that you can't do it. You want something? Go get it. Period." — Pursuit of Happyness (Click here to see the video)

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IMANI'S "HOW TO" MOMENT: IT'S MY FAT BUSINESS!

Once upon time, it was a very obese woman who was on the verge of mental and physical collapse.  Despite her unhappiness with her appearance, the woman ate foods that was high in fat and didn’t bother to do regular exercises.  She just continued to wail in pity and turned to food as comfort until one day she saw herself in the mirror and burst into tears.

“Oh my God” She cried out loud, “How did I loose control?”

As she continued to weep, the woman’s eyes wandered to her feet and then to her plump thighs, and traveled with a disgust gaze to her breast.  The woman knew she had to make a change in her life. So she pondered the possibilities and literally took a long look at herself.

I’ll share more about this woman in a moment. But first, there’s something I need to address. It’s matter of life and death.

Being fat has become a booming business. You see it everyday on both sides of the spectrum.  On one side, you go grocery shopping and you’ll most likely see sales items that are perfectly display to attract your attention. You’ll also see on the back of these labels the high calories and fat content. These items are affordable to feed a family.  It’s survival to the fittest (no pun intended).

My advice: Be smart and use common sense.  Cut back on your portion sizes, cut back or stop on soda consumption, and do not sprinkle extra sodium on your foods. Most of the cheaper foods are processed, which means it’s already loaded with salt. Over use of salt can lead to water retention and other health related problems.

Now on the other side of the fat business is the billion dollar weight loss industry.  There are so many videos, books, and classes to help you reach your goal. Even Wii and Xbox have joined the fray against fat.  Wherever go, you’ll see products to help shed those unwanted pounds.  It’s Capitalism at its best! 

My advice: Whether you choose low or high impact cardio, your body will love you for it.  Compared to elite runners who run ten to twenty miles a week, a ten minute brisk walk is better than anything at all. The point is to get moving and stay moving.  If you’re morbidly obese, those ten minutes is the summit of your journey. Baby steps are all you need to make a life-saving change to your life.

As for that woman I mentioned earlier, she decided to make a change for the better.  The enhancements to her life had improved her mind, body, and soul.  She hasn’t been experiencing sore joints, out-of-control hypertension, or shortness of breath.  This person is a new woman.  Who is she?

She’s me!

At 80 pounds later, I am a new woman.  It took a little over year to get far and beyond my goal.  I can walk freely without pain, breath easier, and more importantly, my blood pressure sits around at 120/80—perfect.

Final advice: Make your weight loss journey fun.  To continue to your goal, participate in 5k’s or mini marathons. Preserver to the things you thought you couldn’t or wouldn’t do.  Although I walked a half-marathon before, I said it’s something I would never do—not ever! Well, I already ran my first 5k with the time of 38:42. I’m going to run my next one in November, hoping to improve my time.  Then May 2012, I’m running the half-marathon to raise money for Multiple Sclerosis.  My ultimate dream is run to a full marathon.

My Imani’s “How to” Moment is cutting back on portion sizes, stop or cut back on soda consumption, incorporate whole grains in your diet, and don’t forget your veggies. If you eat meat, make sure they’re lean like, turkey or chicken. Do eat Omega-3, for example Salmon. Read the package labels. Use your common sense. If you know something has a lot of fats or sugar, eat them sparingly. Most of all drink your water and get to moving. If your treat your body like a temple, it will love you back in return.

See, there wasn’t a need for me to write a long winded blog on loosing weight.  What works for me, may not work you.  The point of writing of this post is to let you know there’s always a common sense approach on weight loss.  You don’t have to spend a lot of money.  Just get off the couch or computer, and move and stop  eating stuff you know that aren't good for you!

So what are you waiting for? Let’s get to moving!

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IMANI'S "HOW TO" MOMENT: LIVE LIFE!

I’m staring at a blank screen to an anxious blinking cursor, pondering of what to write for this post.  My mind is still in a foggy daze of what occurred in the last week.  The pain remains arduous and it still hurts like a hell. 

Since my mom has been laid to rest, I don’t know which way to go.  I even thought carefully if I should continue with my dream as a published author.  Of course, I can imagine anyone who knows me are screaming at their computer screens saying, “Nooooooooo, don’t give up!”

Though, it’s easier to tell someone not to give up, but it’s another to actually feel the loneliness and the painful void by an absence of your main support system.  My mother was the one who encouraged me to pursue my dream.  She believed in me as a writer before I believed in myself.  Anything that I have read to her, either as an eight year old writing her first song lyrics to an adult finishing her short story, she would lay in the bed where she was bound for twenty years with an approving smile.  “Oh my goodness” She gleefully awed, “I don’t know why you haven’t pursued this years ago”.

I always responded shyly, “You’re only saying that because you’re my mother”.  Then again, she got real with me about my singing. Let’s just say it should be left in the shower and not as a career. (smile)

All in all, I have a complete manuscript—also known as my fourth child—sitting in my zip and hard drive waiting to be edited; I also have an edited manuscript that’s waiting to be typeset along with a book cover; a short story that’s suppose to be release on eBooks, but I’m pushing it later this summer, and three unfinished scripts patiently waiting to be completed.

The idea of these tasks aren’t overwhelming, it’s the emotional aspect of not calling my mother about problems with character a or b, or taking a well-deserved break when she calls me about the Star Wars marathon on TV or her beloved Colts scoring a touchdown, that’s what’s overwhelming me.  It’s the smallest things that suddenly fade without notice, breaking ones heart into millions of pieces. 

So for the last week, I’ve been wearing a heavy heart wondering if it’s worth moving on with this ambitious dream.  I’ve been praying and meditating seeking comforting answers.  Then finally I came to the conclusion, I’ll be dishonoring my mother if I quit!

My Imani’s “How To” Moment, if you walk your path to your destiny there will always be bumps in the road.  In my case, I was walking up the Rockies to get my dream. Now by my mother’s passing, it’s becoming Mount Everest.  I’m facing a monumental task.  Some would ask why don’t I write query letters to a literary agent and make it easier on myself.  I guess I could, but my dream is see this under my own label.  I want see how far I can push the limits at this ambitious idea because I know if it pans out, I can say, I did this creation despite all of the stumbling blocks and naysayers!

I also realize after the funeral, the world is still going.  The sky is still blue, the birds are flying to their destination, and her favorite movie of all time, Star Wars has a marathon as I type this.  Basically, you or I can’t stop living just because someone close to us has passed away.  My mother wouldn’t want to me quit, and deep inside I know I’ll regret it if I don’t at least try at this writing thing. 

So people, pray for me! It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

To be continued…

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IMANI'S "HOW TO" MOMENT: JUNK IN YOUR TRUNK

“Among the breeze that lies still, whispering shadows tap into the granular of my soul. Tears are streaming as I reminisce of what once was.  I press my hands to my chest, imagining the blanketing comforts of solitude.  Then a sudden breeze brushing against my cheek and I sigh to an expected relief”.

Where I have been was a past of obscure abyss.  The minute covered glassy road wedged cuts deep beneath the superficial layers to my consciousness. It was a path that detoured from my hopes and aspirations, a road oppose to redemption; a blockage from love, and shackled from forgiveness. 

For years I wandered aimlessly, hoping to find a miracle. Yet, undiscovered truths were afar reaching from my destiny.  I couldn’t shower myself with motivation; it simply was not there.  I couldn’t believe in the possible because the impossible was all that I knew.  I couldn’t listen to that All Mighty gentle whisper because auditory silence of hopelessness had dominated my sense of self.  I couldn’t see what I needed to see because of an overwhelming insignificance. I thought I didn’t matter.

Then one day my spiritual consciousness had awaken from a slumber of years of confusion.  I vividly remembered the pious feeling I had when the blinders were removed from my eyes and it shouted, “YOU DO MATTER”.   

After seeing the true definition of life, I took one step back to an exact path.  Minuscule glass evaporated to an even road leading to redemption, love, and forgiveness. With the light shining that carried me, I finally believed I could achieve success. 

Today as I’m still walking the even road, my mind speaks to me as if it was a friend who stands tall by my side reminding me, all you need is faith.  The word itself may be a mere five letter word, but it’s powerful to take along with you to whatever endeavor you may try to pursue.

My Imani’s “How to” Moment, trust in all you can you do. Whether you want to return to school to get your degree or attain your high school diploma, write a book, or run for office, it is time to put YOU first.  It is time to listen to your heart that you’ve kept on mute for so long and make that step forward on your path, your dream, and your destiny.  If you fail, so what!  Get up and do it again.  Even if you made several attempts and its still not going your way, the fact is at least you tried and that’s all it matter.  Who want to grow old and think of what it could have been?  I know I don’t.

When you leave from this blog, the only thing I want you to remember within this text is you do matter.  I don’t think God would’ve taken his precious time to create you and call you junk.  Any proud creation you’ve made whether it’s cooking, handcrafts, or your children, do you call it or them junk?  Of course not! 

We’re not useless items; we’re all here for a special purpose.  So what’s yours?

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IMANI'S "HOW TO" MOMENT: MUNDANE IMPERFECTIONS

“No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they're pretty, even if they aren't”~ Marilyn Monroe

The other day I took a long look at myself, standing timidly with my hands nervously cuffed in front of me. Naked like a jay bird, I stared hard at my reflection. My hair was uncombed. I wore no lashes or makeup. The boobs God gave me haven’t behaved to gravity since my twenties. Sir Issac Newton’s discovery is winning the battle, I thought. I jiggled a bit, hoping the old spring to these girls could perk up. Uh, no! They proved the reality of turning forty is indeed in four months.


Then my eyes pondered to my hips. I could say those crunches and lunges are working. I turned around to glance at my robust ass. Like my boobs, I jiggled it. Solid, I smiled. And yet, I had to find a negative—my thighs. My finger strolled to the dimples between my legs. I thought moving the fat could satisfy my self-doubt. The more I wasted time with the craziness, the more I got depressed. “I guess losing near seventy pounds wasn’t enough” I said out loud with heavy sigh, “I have to find the mundane imperfections.”


I quickly shook my head to wring out the echoed negativity. Feeling like that scared little girl who got teased in school, I wanted to hide beneath my protective shield of bitterness and fear. It soothed a hurt soul; my Vaseline against the world’s bullshit. The glaze shield protected me, comforted me, and kept my eyes dry from tears. And yet at the same, I became lonelier and bitter.


You might be wondering, where’s the coming from? I have so much going for me; such as, the release of my first Novella (Faith Anthology), running the marathon in May, setting my charity, and as I said earlier, losing seventy pounds. I should be outdoors turning cartwheels, shouting in his HOLY name for giving me the strength to complete these goals. But, I’m human. I bleed, cry, and have insecurities.


My Imani’s “How to” Moment”? Insecurities are a part of the human psyche. Some of the most beautiful PEOPLE in the world lack of self-confidence; some of the most prolific Authors suffer am-I-good-enough-syndrome, and even the most powerful leaders in the world are transparent with their anxieties, it shows in their politics. How do they go on? It’s simple, they have to.


The world is not going to stop because we feel bad about ourselves. Blue skies will remain blue, the sun will continue to shine, and day will always turn into night. In other words, as the world moves on, we have to move along with it. If I constantly let my inner demons whisper its negativity, I will never get anything done.


Meanwhile, as I remained coyly in front of that mirror, a spark of reality dove back into my consciousness. Stupid me, let someone’s words get under my skin. I shook my head with a slight giggle, and returned back to my life. Mani, don’t have time for the dumb shit, and neither should you!


Words can be a powerful force; don’t let them take your precious sanity!

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IMANI'S "HOW TO" MOMENT: PERSEVERING THROUGH THE STORMS

By Imani Wisdom


His whiskey scent nearly burned my eyes as I felt his cold hands against a place that was sacred to me. I was 10-years-old and scared. The strength inside of me had waned into shattered pieces because I feared this nearly 6’0 tall brute. I didn’t know what he was doing was an act of love or if I had done something wrong and that was his way of punishing me or being overdeveloped at that age had perversely attracted him. All I know was I sitting on my mother’s couch while I listened to his disgusting moans.

While he was in his selfish mood, I was thinking of ways of distracting him without hurting my Uncle’s feelings (Yes, I was actually worried of his feeling then). Every time he slipped his hand one way, I scooted away from him. When he moved his hands to my breast, I scooted further away. He boldly took my hand placed it on his jeans to feel the embossed silhouette of his nasty dick! I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I wanted to shout for my mother who happened to been in her bedroom asleep because Multiple Sclerosis has got the best of her, but fear had taken my voice. I felt like one of my characters from my first unpublished novel, Ruthie, when she said that being pinned between the wall and her abusive husband was her open door to Hell. That’s how I felt at ten. I was trapped between the corner of the couch and my uncle’s brawny strength. Not only I felt that I have walked in the fires of Hell, but I felt as though I was swimming knee deep in it.

Then suddenly, a glimmer of courage had sparked in me. I finally found my God-given voice and told him to stop.

“Shhhhhhhh” he replied.

“Please!” I begged him.

Despite my pleas, he kept going. He didn’t care how much I whimpered, moved, or refused to look him in the eye; he wanted to satisfy his perverted pleasure. To hell what a 10-year-old innocent child feels. It was all about him and only him!

Well, this blog is dedicated to survivors of physical and sexual abuse. Thirty years ago back on that warm summer day, he made it about him. Now it’s our turn. If you’re walking and breathing and still able to shed your beautiful smile, you already started your journey of redemption. It’s about you, the Kings and Queens of your own destiny.

It took me a quarter of a century to realize my promiscuity, anger, rebellion, and co-dependent behavior, all stemmed from that moment. I had other encounters; especially getting gang-raped which that sealed my hatred of men for years. Nevertheless, I took that inward pain into words. I had no choice. It was either, wallow in my pity or share my experience with others. And writing this blog(s) is easier and healthier than hating every man in the world. Speaking of the fellas…..

Men—and especially African American men—were brought up to believe that men touching boys in a lustful way are considered gay. On the contrary, perverts don’t discriminate. Pedophiles do it for power and to make their victims powerless and inferior. No one should’ve had to keep that pain inside of them. By moving on, you already defeated that lingering demon. Perhaps the next step is to share your past and help other young men overcome their demons. As long as they see your courage, they’ll believe its hope for them after all.

How did I overcome from my shattered past? My writing, prayed, therapy, wrote some more, prayed some more, shared my experience with other because what I went through wasn’t unique, and of course—writing until I discovered it was my passion. Maybe I should thank my uncle for that?.....Nah!!!!

To the ones who were hurt by someone but never told anyone—it’s your decision whether you want to share your past. I’m writing this blog for hope. The word itself is powerful! No one can stomp on your hope; it’s a part of you. It’s something God gave us at last minute along with adrenaline, both are necessities for survival. Yet, hope keeps going after tumultuous storms; it’s our rainbow from a shadowy past, and the sun beyond ominous clouds. It’s always there.

Therefore, my advice to you: write out your feelings. Think of it as your own personal note to yourself. Don’t worry about grammar or spelling. What matters is you’re making the first attempt to free yourself from his/ or her bondage. Remember—is about you, not them.

And that’s my Imani’s How to Moment—persevering through any storm even if it’s monsoon of physical and sexual abuse. Their acts shouldn’t define you or me. I allowed his act to define as a woman and used what he did to me as an excuse to screw any guy I met. I had to wake up. I was treading close of catching a series of sexual transmitted diseases, including HIV. I’m worth more than just a feel-good moment.

As for my uncle, he’s no longer in this world. But wherever he’s at, I hope he knows that he didn’t win—I’m still standing!

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