WHAT DEFINES YOU?

Our self worth…….It’s that main ingredient that makes us strong and a better person. Without it, self-pity can tame our true selves. One question to ponder…..Why do we as humans allow our pain to define us?

Now that I am passionately walking away the pounds, I came to realization after years of feeling sorry for myself; I’ve seriously messed up my inner ME! From self-doubt to self-pity, I went opposite of everything I worked hard to attain; such as, my goals, accomplishing all of the weight I’d lost a few years ago, and most of all, worked hard to love ME again.

I killed all of that after I allowed my depression to get the best of me. For months after I gained back a few pounds, I didn’t look at myself in the mirror. I can’t tell you how long I pretended to be a timid vampire? What I can tell you however; I walked pretty damn fast pass any mirror for a long, long, long time! I feared to see a reflection of a hopeless failure staring back at me; fear to accept the reality, the truth of letting things go I can’t control. When I nibbled, it became my crack cocaine. Grubbing away the pain and stress I woke everyday as a mother, daughter, and caregiver. I wanted to eat every last morsel as if I was eating that pain away to oblivion. Of course, like any euphoric substance, it’s temporary. Although that junk comforted me, once it dissolved back to reality, I was steadily gaining the weight!



We can smoke, drink, or eat our pain away, but guess what? That same pain will still be there. If the pain involves a past love, guess what? He or She has moved on, and you, permitted them to have all of the power! If the pain involves a job you lost, guess what? You are smart to learn a new skill and move on to new things. Our three pound, squishy brain is a unique organ. It can feel, restore, and attain a serious boat load of knowledge. We can do anything if we all put our squishy brains to it.

As for giving someone else your POWER, we all experience it before. It don’t have to be a person whom you’ve been romantically tied, it could be a co-worker, your boss, a neighbor, a family member, or an idiotic bully from school. Once they see they’ve got to us, they won. They took what we cherish the most….our POWER! And for me, I’ve been there, done that. Whether I want to admit or not, I felt like shit!



Now this blog isn’t LADIES ONLY! I’ve known fellas who went through Hell and back with bullsh** that went on in their lives; including with a significant other. I have to admit, when my ex went through HELLLLLLLLLL with his now ex-girlfriend, I thought as laugh,“Haaaaaa!!!! Karma is bitch, isn’t it?”  Then years went by, I noticed his unnecessary weight loss became skin and bones; how is character changed from jubilance to despair, and how everything he worked hard suddenly evaporated. I’m sure the mistakes he made in our relationship, he learned from them and tried to move on. I know this because for years, he tried to love someone who couldn’t or wouldn’t love him back like he deserved. I know the feeling.

The point on this blog is BITTERNESS, ANGER, and PITY won’t get us anywhere but more pain and heartache. We’re better than that! We are KINGS and QUEENS of our destiny; the Authors of our own story, and the Painters of our canvasses. Our squishy brains and our fist-size hearts bear our souls that at time can lead to crazy emotions. We can fight it, we can do it, and we can be it!.....So, as I asked earlier, are you going to allow your pain to define you?.....Think about that!

Now, this paragraph is for my 35 and up year old crowd…..Have you thought of that one particular thing you always wanted to do? Did anyone put that cigarette down at least for one day? Did anyone take their fat butts out to walk or jog? Did anyone call their local college to acquire a new skill? Like Ben Stein from Ferris Bueller Day Off…..Anyone?.....Anyone?......I’m pushing this not only for my benefit, but for my nearly-middle aged brothers and sisters! Yes, you!!!!.......Tomorrow is not promised (for any age). We already surrendered tremendous sacrifices for our loved one, now it’s your turn. Whether it’s facing most of our worst nightmare, CLEANING OUR CREDIT {{you know who you are}} or leave that no-good for nothing person who treat you like God didn’t meant for you to be treated…..Time is an unkind enemy that don’t give a damn about our feelings, fight the biological clock and achieve your dreams!


Seriously, anyone?

Okay…..I’m done rambling. It’s time to return back to my “Heaven Bound Series”. I’m writing some parts of two and the last chapter of three. {{Sigh}}} The road acquiring any kind of dreams isn’t easy. Still, if you read my last blog on Facebook, I said this:



It seems now I’m running after the Popsicle Man’s truck to get that “Unique” ice cream bar. Yet, this ice cream bar is everything I always wanted to do……



I’m working on ME, and I did get a sample of that “Unique” ice cream bar. But I want more! I want to try every last flavor on that fast moving truck. And once I reach to my favorite flavor “PINK STRAWBERRY”, I know I did it! {{{Ahem…..I had to pull some metaphor out of the air to end this blog….lol….




Stay blessed,



Imani

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WEIGHING THE POSSIBILTIES

There are many overweight people who are healthy and agile. Some can be 40, 50, or 60 pounds overweight with perfect blood pressure (120/80), low cholesterol, and free of diabetes. For me, seven years ago was physically a dark time. Being petite at 52, my weight reached my lifetime maximum nearly 250lbs. There were times that I walked in agony because of the weight overpowering my feet. Also, my heart used to beat so rapidly, there were moments I thought it would halt. Although I faced these life threatening challenges daily, I did nothing to improve my health. I just continued to not eat right and did little exercise. One day, my laziness and ignorance caught up with me, and nearly took my life.

In 1997, on a warm summer night, I began to experience a tingling sensation in my right arm. At first, I thought it could have been poor circulation, but through the night the tingling had turned into numbness. It had spread to my right leg and my right face. Whats going on with me, I asked myself Im only twenty-seven. Im too young to die. Obviously I was facing a situation that I knew it could be fatal. Instead of listening to my conscious to telephone for help, I tried to treat myself by administering ibuprofen. Ill take a little nap, I said, I should feel better when I wake up. So I waddled over to the couch and hoped for a better outcome.

Two hours later, I woke up to discover that I couldnt see out of my right eye. As soon as I stood up, I began to have an excruciating headache. I clearly remember grabbing the side of my head, then suddenly falling to the floor. As I laid there next to the cool floor vent, my oldest son, with compassion in his eyes, asked Mommy, are you okay? I wanted to answer, yet my mind couldnt transfer my words to my mouth. Then suddenly, I pointed to the phone. Phone! I slurred. My son quickly grabbed the phone and handed to me. As my vision nearly diminished I struggled to call my sister. Within twenty minutes, my sister, her fianc, and my father found me lying helplessly on the floor between the T.V. and the floor vent. The only thing I remembered before they took me to the hospital was my father carrying me to the car, and my children saying I love you, Mommy before my sister walked them five houses to my Grandmothers.

Minutes later, we arrived at the Emergency room. I was resting on my fathers shoulder in the waiting area, when out of the blue, a nasally male triage nurse called me to take my vitals. As I sat down, hed asked me question after question, as he took my blood pressure. At that moment, everything and everyone became a big blur. However the only thing I remember was the anesthetic smell, and the cold stethoscope inside my elbow. When the result of my blood pressure came on the monitor, I saw a grave concern on this nurses face. Are you having any numbness? hed asked. I shrugged my left shoulder, and peeped at the reading. It read: 200/118. The next thing I knew, I was wheeled immediately to the triage bed units. The details of this experience are very sketchy after I saw the Emergency room doctors. I can remember taking several tests which includes a CAT scan that did show that I had calcium deposit on my brain.

This particular experience had a tremendous impact on my life. Up until recently, I never learned what happened to me on that terrifying night. It was a mini stroke after all. Shortly after that night, I began to change my diet along with a daily walking plan. I admit changing bad habits isnt easy, but if its pertaining to your life physically and emotionally, its worth it. After two years of faithfully keeping this new commitment, I lost 110 lbs, dropped from a size 26 to a 12, and gained an abundance of self-esteem. I have kept this weight off for five years. Furthermore, going through this life altering experience, not only led me to change my physique, but showed me I could do anything I desire.

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TAKE CARE OF THAT MENTAL WEIGHT

This was before my constant walking, trying to eat RIGHT and suffering a mini-stroke. I had lost weight before. I lost 75lbs.




I wore a size 16. To some women, being a 16 is comfortable. For years, I was very comfortable w/ my body. Being five feet two, some say I was stocky, not obese. But others inside and outside of my family had an ongoing pressure for me to lose some weight.. That led me to some destructive behaviors.




One day at my former employer (the Post Office) a couple of ex co-workers mentioned about my size 16 frame. One explained that she lost all of this weight by eating one meal-a-day and worked out whenever she could. Now remember, I was naïve 20 something year old who thought every elder was right. So I tried her dangerous regimen.




I used my mothers standard bike. I rode the bike every day for 45 minutes. I also used her soloflex for toning and strengthening for 3 days a week. Sounds like I was doing everything right?........right? Nope! When a person is trying is trying to lose weight, although you are supposed to cut calories, you are supposed to eat. Back then, I only consumed one meal a day. Thats it




But I have to say, the pounds melted away like hot butter. Obviously, I was sitting on top of the world and no one could not tell me anything. UNIQUE THOUGHT SHE WAS DA BOMB! Yet, while I was feeling on this high, my joy was quickly exploding.




There was whispers at that job how I was soooooo skinny. There was rumors contagiously flying around the Post Office faster than the electronic mail. The first rumor: I had leukemia. The next rumor: I was doing drugs. But third and biggest and hurtful rumor: I had AIDS. During my breaks was my eating time. And when I did eat, I felt as though I was on stage in front of an audience. I have eyes on the left and right of me watching me what I eat and how I ate it.




But worse of all, the person who I thought love me for me made horrible fun at me. He would talk about my shriveled body during sex (When you lose weight fast like that, there will be hanging skin.). You would think I would be feeling good while we call ourselves having sweet sex, but it was sourer. This bombard of name calling and pressure had waned heavily on my self-esteem.




Some African Americans believes its unheard of that a black woman can become anorexic or bulimic. Well, its possible. I should know because I let unnecessary pressure and my ex-boyfriends infidelity get to me. I occasionally tried to purge most of my meals a year after I lost those 75lbs. That was a dangerous obsession. I didnt realize I was abusing my body until 5 years ago.




After that fraud of losing 75lbs, Greg and I splitting, and losing my job at the Post Office, I moved back w/ my sick mother. Self-pity spread my soul like cancer. I began to eat my ass off! My commitment and my self-esteem had deflated. I hated myself. I went from a dangerous DIEt to gaining all the weight back plus more.




The key to this story is crash diets do not work. NOT AT ALL. Nor trying to lose weight for reasons other than you is just as wrong.




It took me lose those 110lbs for two years and been keeping it off for 5 1/2 years. I may have gained 15lbs, but I refused to crawl under a rock and hide. Im still walking. But I have to re-train myself on portion controls. I will not lose these 15 or 20 lbs fast. I am not a celebrity that is supposed to walk on a red carpet. Not to sound conceited, but I love ME. Anyone who is losing weight, should love themselves too. Anyone can lose the weight on the outside, but take care of mental weight too. I put my body through so much to realize that.

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