I remembered being the shy and quiet kid in grade school
that stayed to herself because being around people was an uncomfortable experience. My big, round head, skinny, iddy-biddy legs, and
glasses with bifocals (yes, bifocals at five year old), didn't help my
awkwardness. I got teased, horribly. And to add insult to injury, I had a
speech impediment.
Yes, I was one of
those students you would see in the movies who gets thrown in their locker;
or get tripped by the class jocky-jerk in the cafeteria while carrying a tray
of food; or become a victim of innovative name-calling (or joning, in my later
academic years); or find herself isolated not because she wanted to, but because
no one could connect with her. I mean, I even thought being left-handed was
strange.
My escape from the cruel and unforgiving world at that time
was my vivid imagination. Those very images of whatever or whoever was my
solace, and safe to say, still is. But I’d often wondered the disconnect I had
with others. Of course I had a friend or two, and then later in high school I
hung with a small group of quiet and reserved students like me but not with the
popular cliques. Looking back on it, I find myself in the midst of
quiet company today. Perhaps I haven’t outgrown the awkwardness, just find it
comforting.
This trend, if you want to call it that, frenzied through my
adult years. The unforgettable twenties – a time period we thought we knew it
all, and most likely tried to do it all. The unimaginable thirties, when life
reminds you aren't twenty anymore. And of course, the forties, when you look
back the last twenty years and ask yourself: “Did I really do that?”
For me when I look back and remembered the years of
awkwardness, being uncomfortable in large crowds, or having me time like an event for the ages, I
thought they were antisocial tendencies, a desire of not wanting to be around
people. Then one day I read an interesting article about the traits of
introversion and career choices.
Introversion, according to the Free Online Dictionary, is
the directing interesting inwards towards one thought and feelings rather than
towards the external world or making social contacts, or the act of directing
one’s interests or to things within self. However in Imani’s world: I don’t see people or conversations in black and white; I see everything as an
in-between, straight-forward without small-talk, and yet sit back and quietly
observe the minute details of living things: The way people carrying themselves; such as, speaking, their body language, and even
how they blink.
In retrospect, I've done all of those things, including
daydream my way through twelve years of grade, middle, and high school. My
introverted personality became an open door to many opportunities. Sounds
crazy, but it has.
Another thing I've learned is the difference between shyness
and introversion. Shyness, according to Susan Cain of Psychology Today, wrote,
“Shyness is the fear of negative judgment, and introversion is a
preference for quiet, minimally stimulating environments”. The vast
misconception of these traits isn't unusual. I didn't comprehend the
definitions until later in my adult years, and even then I had the notion of introverted-souls
were creepy for the outlandish.
Now that I've reached the fabulous age of forty-two, I've
come to terms of who I am. I’m a lot more than just a writer and storyteller,
but been blessed with a unique personality. I used to ask God what was wrong
with me: Am I a defect. Why do I feel ill at ease around people?
But you know, I had to stop questioning His intention and
live life. My introverted personality was by far no accident whatsoever! And it
also don’t matter what others think, but how I respond.
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