I’m staring at a blank screen to an anxious blinking cursor, pondering of what to write for this post. My mind is still in a foggy daze of what occurred in the last week. The pain remains arduous and it still hurts like a hell.
Since my mom has been laid to rest, I don’t know which way to go. I even thought carefully if I should continue with my dream as a published author. Of course, I can imagine anyone who knows me are screaming at their computer screens saying, “Nooooooooo, don’t give up!”
Though, it’s easier to tell someone not to give up, but it’s another to actually feel the loneliness and the painful void by an absence of your main support system. My mother was the one who encouraged me to pursue my dream. She believed in me as a writer before I believed in myself. Anything that I have read to her, either as an eight year old writing her first song lyrics to an adult finishing her short story, she would lay in the bed where she was bound for twenty years with an approving smile. “Oh my goodness” She gleefully awed, “I don’t know why you haven’t pursued this years ago”.
I always responded shyly, “You’re only saying that because you’re my mother”. Then again, she got real with me about my singing. Let’s just say it should be left in the shower and not as a career. (smile)
All in all, I have a complete manuscript—also known as my fourth child—sitting in my zip and hard drive waiting to be edited; I also have an edited manuscript that’s waiting to be typeset along with a book cover; a short story that’s suppose to be release on eBooks, but I’m pushing it later this summer, and three unfinished scripts patiently waiting to be completed.
The idea of these tasks aren’t overwhelming, it’s the emotional aspect of not calling my mother about problems with character a or b, or taking a well-deserved break when she calls me about the Star Wars marathon on TV or her beloved Colts scoring a touchdown, that’s what’s overwhelming me. It’s the smallest things that suddenly fade without notice, breaking ones heart into millions of pieces.
So for the last week, I’ve been wearing a heavy heart wondering if it’s worth moving on with this ambitious dream. I’ve been praying and meditating seeking comforting answers. Then finally I came to the conclusion, I’ll be dishonoring my mother if I quit!
My Imani’s “How To” Moment, if you walk your path to your destiny there will always be bumps in the road. In my case, I was walking up the Rockies to get my dream. Now by my mother’s passing, it’s becoming Mount Everest . I’m facing a monumental task. Some would ask why don’t I write query letters to a literary agent and make it easier on myself. I guess I could, but my dream is see this under my own label. I want see how far I can push the limits at this ambitious idea because I know if it pans out, I can say, I did this creation despite all of the stumbling blocks and naysayers!
I also realize after the funeral, the world is still going. The sky is still blue, the birds are flying to their destination, and her favorite movie of all time, Star Wars has a marathon as I type this. Basically, you or I can’t stop living just because someone close to us has passed away. My mother wouldn’t want to me quit, and deep inside I know I’ll regret it if I don’t at least try at this writing thing.
So people, pray for me! It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
To be continued…
2 comments:
So sorry to hear of your loss. I'll be keeping you in my prayers, Imani. I know that in the end you'll come out a better writer because of the hardships you're going through.
Thank you, Abigail :)
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